I sat down tonight with the intention of telling you all about my weekend: misadventures with jorts in Williamsburg, IKEA, Sunday drunch at Calle Ocho, a run-in with some ruggers, and an event that will forever be known as “The Native American Incident.” Instead, I’m going to tell you about my crazy-ass upstairs neighbor.
The tenants in my building tend to keep to themselves, except when narking on certain young ladies who may enjoy having a few drinks on the roof. Maybe if you stopped getting high in your apartment all the time, we wouldn’t have to go outside to avoid a contact high! Okay that’s beside the point. Anyways, I couldn’t tell you the first thing about anyone else in my building. When I first moved here, I was under the mistaken impression that this was College 2.0 and I was going to have lots of quirky but lovable neighbors who would burst in to my apartment on a whim. Amanda wasn’t moving in for 10 more days, and I was determined to have a solid building network by the time she got here. All week I didn’t see anyone, and so when it came around to Friday night I gave myself a pep talk, brushed my hair, and followed the pounding music upstairs to “borrow an egg.” In my head I saw this as the catalyst for an amazing friendship — 5B saw it as a supreme invasion of his privacy. Opening the door without undoing the safety chain, he asked what I wanted, closed the door while rummaging around in the fridge, and cracked the door open again to offer me Egg Beaters or Egg-ganic or something gross like that in a carton. I politely declined and headed back to my empty apartment, dreams crushed.
Since then, Amanda and I have gotten to know 5B’s favorite habits, including but not limited to: early morning hockey practice, dragging dead bodies around the apartment, having furious sex/being really engaged in a video game, band practice, pumping himself up for a UFC fight at 6:45AM, and tonight, building an ark. I have no idea what’s going on up there, but I distinctly hear drills, pounding, and dragging. 5B either A) went on an IKEA spree B) spoke to God over the weekend or C) has been plotting ways to kill and torture the tall brunette who had the audacity to ask for an egg. I know I’ve always wanted to be on Criminal Minds but I was hoping for a cameo as Reid’s girlfriend or a BAU whiz-kid, not as the girl in the body bag.
Well now that I spent 40 minutes wasting time on Matthew Gray Gubler fan pages and reading spoiler alerts for Criminal Minds, I guess I’ll go to bed. Stories soon!